bit low and anxious coz of T but i dont feel as bad as yesterday. yesterday wanderound round edinburgh in a daze and didnt know where i was going..just felt quite shit. but bought old NOPX album and an album by Bitch alert.
today, got some cool hippy clothes. meeting ruth im a bit in edinburgh then we going to glasgow to meet some others and watch fireworks. i way like ruths friends they so rule. yeah, imgnna get pissed and try and not care about stuff. no ill rephrase: ill try and FORGET about caring about stuff for the time being.
Current Music: bitch alert
Dammnation. I've been so anxious about my Tom and our future together that I gradually become more psychotically depressed and cut. but this time it was really deep i had to go to hosp to get stitches. it hurt, im so worried about him. he's back on the streets again, but he's starting a job tonight, yay! and he;s been OFF the heroin for two months! wow, its so weird that we're both so much in love and i actually believe him. i actually believe him when he says im beautiful. i dont think i AM but i believe that he thinks i am, if that makes sense. anyway, hopefuilly visiting him v soon. i love him.|
on anti biotics for my cutting thing which got infected, yuck. tom wants me to stop self harming, he says it makes him cry. i'll really try this time for him. because he went through heroin withdrawal for me, and hes really sorting himself out. anyway, im going to keep thoughts about tom private usually as its personal to us both, i usually am way to open, so if it do, its gonna b vague, apart from the random explosion of YAY I LOVE TOM, ness. anyhoo. im at my sisters, went to visit her in edinburgh coz my depression and anxiety were getting bad again, and esp after cutting up i needed to be with her. must get on with work and see if tom is alright. hell i love him.
must email rma, i been thinking bout her lots and wodering how she is! rma my love, hope yer well!!
|» oh yes|
im quite disappointed that i made a website like HOW LONG AGO, and i even went on about how everyone had to put sommat in my guest book, and who did? none of you lot! i did tho, isnt that fun.|
so go and do it now!
its so cool. i even updated it and everything. its not cool, its very basic but i like it. in the words of placebo ( i think) theres not much there, but what there's mine! mua ha ha ha even the delighful sexeh people from my bands..yesssh they are mine!!
im going to be sick. what fun. i get so anxious i think im going to be sick. i did puke the othernight. i mixed alcohol+hash and im a lightweight and hadnt hashed in ages and puked and then passed out. Josephine looked after me coz she rules. then the fire alarm went off as i was staying over at hers in halls coz i was too fucked to move. it went off at 4am the bugger. some trendy no doubt.
this is my final year at uni. im scared. im too scared to make original ideas, but im making myself.
yeah. and im gonna c greenday. nikki is getting us tickets, for my 21st! damn shes sweet!
ps. i want to get better. do you think i can? like properly. i hope i can.
|» welcome back me|
Yus I decided to return with my tail between my legs. |
I been itching to return for ages but refrained from doing so. But helen is on lj and I dinna know this, and that's gonna be muchly fun.
Anyhoo fuck load has happened. Yus, and I really have a fucked up head. I'm such a gimp. And there I go being all down on my self again, what a surprise. But, tis not all bad, tra-la-la.
Just I'm my own worst enemy (oooh, I havent listened to that track by Lit for a long time) and yeah dont know waht else to write, quite strange being back.
and i want to write something positive, but im in my down mood at the moment and thats just silleh. BUT igot some sexeh clothes, its true. and tomorrow im having lunchy with nikki YAY, and yeah LALALALLALLALALALLALALALALALLALALALALAL this will pass, yes it will, its trueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ps. thought graham was coming back to blur. got v excited. found out it was a rumour. as they tend to be. dammit.
anyway. hello again people. i might give this journal a new look when i have time/can be arsed. but i like my damon-ness. yes.
I've had a long chat with Green Dave. I haven't spoken to him in ages and I can't believe how life changing the conversation was. he made me see so many things. As a result, I;ve decided once and for all to make proper, big changes to my life, it will compliment to the new me. |
I'm going to surround myself with positive, loving people, just like Susan Jeffers suggests, people who I can talk to, and they can talk to me, so it's a two way friendship, people I can have fun with, people I can trust wholly, people I can be myself with.
I've decided to delete this journal. It breeds paranoia and hurt on my part, and its a way to vent and other people can see, and its not healthy. Sometime in the next few days this journal will be deleted, and with it, all my life events over the past two years. It's not denying them, because they were there..but still the place I was two years ago isnt the place I was today and I well and truly need to move on.
Nothing will ever take away the fun times I had with my friends then, the stoning sessions - the deep and meaningful chats - the weird nights out in croydon - they'll always be proud and happy memories, but things change, and things can never be like those days again, ever. They were fun days, beautiful, special, funny, crazy, sad, and sick days. But they are gone now, and too much has happened since. Therefore, with the deletion of this journal, goes my unconscious urge to get back to the way things were because they cannot be like that anymore. It's sad but it's refreshing too.
Good bye Journal, good bye journal friends.
suddenly this damned surgery has just got to me. They said it would. |
YES, Im feeling fucking sensitive about it, yes I'm feeling fucking low and angry and hurt now. YES, it probably is irrational but im so suddenly FEELING something since I had the surgery that it HURTS.
It never was just a simple operation thats when its done its done, i was always told its an emotional thing too, so how the fuck can i be expected to be ok and stable all the fucking time and accept that some people ASSUMES that im ok now because the operations done. Well im NOT ok, im fucking not.
Ive had YEARS of feeling so ugly, so fucking disgusting, like a monster, worse than a fucking monster, that it was an effort to go outisde...every snigger was at me because my face was so repulsive etc etc.And I was told it was irrational and that "I didnt look that bad" and the odd person, said I was pretty and I never believed them.
And then, first time EVER, in last few months I've actually felt OK, I've felt PRETTY, goddammit. And FUCK it, why shouldnt I celebrate that> its such a relief to hold my head up high and not feel ashamed anymore.
Only now im wrapped in banadages, my face is swollen so much I dont look human, im repulsive but i can cope with it coz itsonly while the swlling has gone down etc etc, and after ill look even better. No, I'll never look like a supermodel, I can never be deemd fit, I can never be seen as attractive, but I've felt pretty, and thats different.
And now I'm raging because one person got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was being arrogant. I'm not. I want to FEEL pretty and act it and BE it, because im sick of feeling disgusting because of my hand, my eye, my leg and right now
i fucking HATE SOCIETY and u can all leave me alone forever
Although wasn't as good as past two years, I'm still glad I went. The mud was so..um, well muddy. And my tent flooded, and Vicky's tent sagged and had puddles of water everywhere. And I had no clean clothes, so much of the time was spent psyching ourselves up to wade through litres of mud. |
Best Band: Snow Patrol. Thank you to tall sexy guy who put me on his shoulders for my favourite track.
Next Best: PJ Harvey, wow she's a sexy bitch.
Next Best: Loonlaloop. Kinda a tribal trancey woo-woo ecstacy inducing style and it was sooo yay.
Other bands I saw were Orbital, Damien Rice, The Bees, I am Kloot, Scissor Sisters, Goldielookin Chain, Wilcom, Rapture, bits of Goldfrapp, bits of Levellers, Jamie Cullum, Daara J, Future World Funk DJs.
I tried to see #Tindersticks for Ben but failed. Urk, worst moment:
panic attack having being caught in middle of Oasis-fan-thug crowd at Pyramid Stage...believe me it was HORRIBLE, took 30 mins to get to other side and then I sat in a field (muddy) near the Jazz world and hoped Damon would come and rescue me...he didn't.
Met up with my sister and alex, Ian, Oliver at healing fields (favey, magical bit of glasto) and it was fun. Last night we didn't sleep, stayed in healing fields area, in groovy movie tent and sat and watched trancey stuff and I chatted to some nice hippies and then met these cool guys who looked straight out of Velvet Goldmine! Cool!
Later these thugs (obviously oasis fans) appeared and randomly started on us (this is glasto...what they doing here?) and kept trying to grab vicky for a snog, and kept pulling her chair back, i ended up grabbing her legs to keep the balance! I was called Mother Theresa (maybe coz of my cannabis bandana???) which amused me. They were odd people.
Overal, it wasn't brilliant glasto, but the bits i enjoyed i REALLY enjoyed and it ruled.
I liked the dance tent bit esp, weird, i thought i looked like a right mong, as i pulled on only clean(ish) clothes and the trousers caked in mud, but like I weirdly felt way sexy!! and yeah I got all confident and danced my ass off, hehe sex appeal baby!
Its so fab, ive recently felt so great about myself. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. When I felt icky and ugly, people sense that and stay off, and so it proves to you that you are. But recently I've been feeling, yeah im ok, i have sex appeal! im sexeh! and i love my tits and my waist! and my hair, wow!! and ive sooo noticed some guys looking, yay im gonna b a vain trendy!!!
all set for hospital in two days...scared....but excited....wonder if ill look worse or better?
anyhoo, enough ranting, I'm sexy, I feel good..but emotionally im fucking depressed.
1) anti climax, glastonbury having ended
2) forgot two doses of drugs, shhh
3) bit wobbly on certain people at the moment...yes wobbly is right word.
4) dreading going back to uni!!!! its real life, thats y. I wanna stay in dream, fairy world. I hope we get a nice tenant...
Must have stoner session soon, must write more of my prose, must do more art, must stay positive, mustn't cut.
I WILL NOT CUT,
no baby! or damon will shake his sexy head at me.
WOW, 14 hours until glastonbury!|
When I come back, this is what I'm gonna change about myself:
1) adopt a much more, Ben-ish chilled out philosophy on life. When it doubt, have some tea. Yes
2) Hug lots of trees
3) Sit through panic attacks, and not get so annoyed if I get them for silly reasons, i.e. argument with friend or someone I think is ignoring me
4) Do more rituals/ walks
5) Write! Write!
6) Read, read!
7) Meditate fuck loads
wow, I feel better already. I was hyper, i AM hyper but I was panicky like 5 mins ago, and now I'm like, "eh excuse me but I am ze coolest."
BLUR. GLASTONBURY. FAIRIES.
I AM ZE COOLEST!
Well, great evening with Sadiq in pub. He's so funny. He really is. Got on so well (me thinks lol) and was nice to spend time with him, havent done it in ages. Then we went to The Goose and watched in amusement the football hooligans and how pathetic drunken fucks are, especially the blokey blokes who think they're so sexy and cool, um...no.|
Funny how some men think they really are..and go around like that, adn act likethat, and yet its obviously they think they're really ugly. i.e.
"am i the fittest bloke you know?" "im better looking than all the others, though" etc etc. Um, no. Really. Trust me, you're NOT.
Sometimes these same men have an ego complex and have to be the first to do the ignoring..the walking off when they get bored. This slightly pathetic in a slightly amusing and oh DEAR way, because it stems on the immature. La! Specific, I cannot be, but contemptuous of, I am.
Anyway, after pub in goose, we went back to Ship and had drinks and met some amusing guys. One of which was freaked that I was a witch and I tried to set him straight. Silly man. Then, ja, im all drunk and rma was being way funny and drunk and kept falling about and being dramatic and theatrical and it was soo cool, she dinna know how COOL she is when she's drunk and she's really fucking cool anyway.
RMA, YOU'RE SO COOL!!
Lol, and Sadiq! with his wise guys comments, they make me laugh so much. Esp when he keeps a straight face, and he knows hes being funny. lol
Amusing night , I enjoyed it. Can't wait until glasto, gonna b good. Im gonna have a clean slate when I get back, its gonna be healing, and itll be a break away from life and from annoying immature people, and get back and be chilled and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
OH, got new leg today, it rules. Its funky, and techno-ish, decided to be in yer face about my prosthesis instead of all timid and "yes..i wear a prosthesis" not that im like that nayway, but yeah its been skin colour in the past and im prouda my leg so YEAH. rules
I love my friends. THANK YOU sadiq for saying I handled it well with silly man. THANK YOU rma for when u said all that stuff about how much u cared about me n stuff. Thank you both for a lovely night :)
|» is now angry|
im pissed in a GRRRRR sense.|
some men are wankers, others are not.
However, i seem only to meet the wankers.
Some simply cannot accept there are such a thing as lesbians and bisexuals, purely because it threatens THEIR fucking penis'. Yeah well, fuck you, you WANKER ARSES! fuck you! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
PISS OFF AND STUFF YOUR NASTY LITTLE COCK INTO A FUCKING RABBIT HOLE.
|» (No Subject)|
fuck man, I feel so fucked.And I swear this font has changed.|
Just bin to pub with Charlotte, was muchly fun but I smoked too much. Ah, she rules though. Ive known her since..well shes known me sicne i were born! and we em got flirty,and she confessed she liked me, altho she said we're near enuff sisters! and she said the other day when she came over and i was wearing hot pants and she got kinda horny...
omg, never been told that before, i was all kinda wowish
and yeah we kissed
and the barman told us to stop. isnt that rude? i think thats illegal. yeah. charlotte told him sorry, and if it werent for the fact she looked embarrassed i woulda made a scene. lol
anyway, we flirted all evening and decided to keep it a secret between our parents and my sister!! so anyone reading this , shhh!
anyhoo, im way sexy. its true. im smug now i believe it when ppl tell me. i dinna used to, but tonsa peopel tell me it now so im gonna be all vain from now on. innit.
|» (No Subject)|
im going to be sick|
i cant believe how bad i feel
how sickened with human life
and how i cant even stand upand go home coz its made me feel that ill
and i cant cope with stuff that well right nw coz i feel so emotionally sick
|» (No Subject)|
feeling emotionaly achey today.|
cant talk about it and dont want to.
want to cut.